A few days ago I was invited to an event I never thought I'd be able to attend anymore. It makes me feel honoured that I still have a place in the Section head's mind. As I sat there listening to the singing choir and watched rows and rows of graduates going up to receive their certification, one thought stuck my mind, "I don't belong anymore". Just as that thought entered my mind, all noises just blacked out of my mind and I felt like I am watching some happy family reunion from outside a window. Everything is just so wonderful except that you are not part of it. Somehow lately, the sense of un-belonging just keep growing stronger and stronger.
A few months ago, another section head approached me. She wanted to know how was I doing after the merger. She informed me there is a post available in her section and its mine if I want it. The merger was bad, everyone left except me. I almost wanted to return to my original section. I know they will somehow make it possible for simple fact they cannot afford to loose anymore people. I never doubt it. When the section head informed me the roles and responsibility of the new position, it suddenly dawned on me. I stop listening to her. I just realize I can never go back. My comfort pillow all this while is just a figment of imagination. I can never go back, no without paying a very high price. A price I doubt I can afford to pay. I mourned over the fact now no matter how hard the road ahead, I have no home to go back.
Work has lost it momentum. I love my work. I think its challenging and it's never dull. Flexible and understanding boss. There are many irritations to the senior management but the job generally is still something I love. The irony of it is this exciting, never dull job had turned boring. No more sense of satisfaction, no more sense of importance. It is just flaws, overlooked and carelessness. I feel like all I have done is just to create more problems. I am not happy anymore. Not sad, just not happy.
Lately I am generally upset, felt like lashing out, I am begining to think my depression might have come back. And it just irritates me that I know the sign and symptoms and yet helpless to stop it. I still can't sleep...
A few months ago, another section head approached me. She wanted to know how was I doing after the merger. She informed me there is a post available in her section and its mine if I want it. The merger was bad, everyone left except me. I almost wanted to return to my original section. I know they will somehow make it possible for simple fact they cannot afford to loose anymore people. I never doubt it. When the section head informed me the roles and responsibility of the new position, it suddenly dawned on me. I stop listening to her. I just realize I can never go back. My comfort pillow all this while is just a figment of imagination. I can never go back, no without paying a very high price. A price I doubt I can afford to pay. I mourned over the fact now no matter how hard the road ahead, I have no home to go back.
Work has lost it momentum. I love my work. I think its challenging and it's never dull. Flexible and understanding boss. There are many irritations to the senior management but the job generally is still something I love. The irony of it is this exciting, never dull job had turned boring. No more sense of satisfaction, no more sense of importance. It is just flaws, overlooked and carelessness. I feel like all I have done is just to create more problems. I am not happy anymore. Not sad, just not happy.
Lately I am generally upset, felt like lashing out, I am begining to think my depression might have come back. And it just irritates me that I know the sign and symptoms and yet helpless to stop it. I still can't sleep...
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